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  The Stainless Steel Rat for President

  ( Stainless Steel Rat - 5 )

  Harry Harrison

  The Stainless Steel rat is back! Slippery Jim diGriz, the future’s most lovable, laughable, larcenous conman turned counterspy, returns for yet another high-tension mission.

  This time the Special Corps has given the Rat a daring assignment—liberate a backward tourist planet from the clutches of an aging dictator. With his lovely but lethal wife, Angelina, and his two stalwart sons, James and Bolivar, diGriz pits ballots against bullets in the fight for freedom. He's vowed to restore truth, justice, and democracy to the world of Parisio-Aqui, if he has to lie, cheat, and steal to do it.

  Harry Harrison

  The Stainless Steel Rat for President

  Chapter 1

  “Can you think of a special toast?” I asked, watching closely as the waiter filled our glasses with the sparkling vintage wine.

  “I certainly can,” my dear Angelina said, raising her glass and looking across it straight into my eyes. “To my husband, Jim diGriz, who has just saved the universe. Again.” I was touched. Particularly by the again. Since I am by nature extremely modest, it is always a pleasure to have my personal feelings about my abilities supported by an unsolicited testimonial. Particularly from one as lovely, charming, intelligent, and dangerously ruthless as my Angelina. She had also been present during the entire affair with the Slimeys, had even been an active participant while I was stopping them from taking over our galaxy, so I treasured her opinion even more.

  “You are too kind,” I murmured. “But truth will out. However it is all over now and we will forget the grim parts, drink to the victories-and enjoy the best meal that this restaurant can provide.” We touched glasses and drank deep. Over my wife’s shoulder I admired the orange Blodgett sun setting behind the purple skyline, the sunlight striking reflections from the canal outside. And out of the comers of my eyes I kept close watch on the two heavies seated by the door who had our table under subtle surveillance. I didn’t know who they were-but I did know that they were packing large guns in their damp armpits.

  I would not let them spoil the occasion! Angelina and I made light talk, drank the wine, gorged ourselves on the curried mastodon. The string quartet played, darkness fell, we lingered over coffee and liqueur-and Angelina took out a tiny mirror as she touched up her lipstick.

  “You do know that there are two thugs by the entrance who have been watching us closely ever since we arrived.” I sighed and nodded and took out my cigar case. “Unhappily, my sweet, I do. I did not mention them for fear they would spoil the meal.” “Nonsense! It just added a little spice to the dinner.” “Most perfect wife,” I enthused, smiling as I lit my cigar. “This planet radiates boredom. Anything with the slightest whiff of interest can only be an improvement.” “I’m glad you feel like that...” She glanced into her mirror. “Because they are on their way over here now. Is there anything I can do to help? I only have this tiny evening bag, so I’m not really prepared. Just a few grenades, a sonic bomb or two, nothing important.” “Is that all?” I asked, eyebrows reaching for my hairline. My Angelina never ceases to amaze.

  “No. This lipstick is a one-shot pistol, deadly at fifty meters...” “We won’t need that,” I said hurriedly. “Not for just two of them. You sit and watch. A little exercise to aid my digestion.” “Four. They’ve been joined by some friends.” “The odds are still in my favor.” I could hear them thudding up behind me now-and I relaxed. From the weight of their steps they could only be police. Criminals might have given me some trouble. But the local police! I could polish off a squad before breakfast-and still have an appetite for lunch. The footsteps stopped as the burliest one appeared before me. I tensed as he reached into a pocket-then relaxed as he produced nothing more deadly than an ornate golden badge studded with precious stones.

  “I am Captain Kretin of the Blodgett police. While you, I believe, are the individual who operates under the alias of the Stainless Steel Rat...” Alias indeed! As though I were a common criminal. I ground my teeth with rage as I reached out and broke my cigar under his nose. His eyes widened-then closed, as the instant sleeping gas from the crunched vial in the cigar drifted into his hairy nostrils. I took his badge, after all be had offered it to me, and turned aside as he dropped, lace first, into the sugar bowl.

  I kept turning, my rigid index finger extended, to catch his corpulent colleague just behind the jawbone with this deadly digit. There is a nerve ganglion there which, if hit in the precise center, will produce instant unconsciousness. I did not miss. He folded nicely across his fat friend.

  I didn’t stay around to watch. “Twenty-two,” I called out to Angelina as I started for the kitchen door. Before I reached it two more policemen stepped through. And the main entrance was blocked by survivors of the original four.

  “Trapped!” I shouted aloud, then touched the sonic screamer in my belt buckle. A number of the diners screamed in response as the vibrations produced feelings of terror. Nice. In the confusion I would escape through the fire exit hidden behind the drapes.

  Except this door wasn’t the only thing the drapes concealed. Two more policemen blocked my way. “This was getting annoying. I leapt onto a long banquet table and neatly danced my way down its length, avoiding all the crockery with a fine precision that belies my years. More screams and shouts followed this exhibition until I reached the end-and spun about with my back to the window.

  I was trapped. Every exit was blocked, and the minions of the law were advancing.

  “It’s not that easy!” I shouted. “Better cops than you have tried to capture Slippery Jim diGriz! All have failed. Better a —clean death than sordid captivity!” Behind the attacking hordes I could see my sweet Angelina blowing me a farewell kiss. I gave her a last wave as I tensed my legs and sprang backwards.

  “Thus ends the saga of the Stainless Steel Rat!” My words were followed instantly by the crash of breaking glass, as I burst through the window and hurtled out into the night.

  Falling. Twisting and turning as I did. So that I hit the waters of the canal in a clean dive that took me under in a curving arc, I did not break the surface again until I was some meters away and concealed by the darkness.

  It was a happy end to a pleasant evening; I hummed to myself as I did an easy breaststroke through the darkness. I had brought joy to this dull planet, at least for a few brief moments. The police had reluctantly indulged in a bit of exercise. Now they could relax and fill out the endless reports so dear to the copper’s heart. The news reporters would have something interesting to write about-for a change-and the populace in turn would be fascinated by the exciting events of the evening. I really should be treated as a benefactor of mankind-not a criminal. But there is no justice, I knew that, so I just swam on.

  Number twenty-two was a safe house located in one of the more repellent districts of Blodgett City. Angelina would know what the number meant and would join me there. Meanwhile, there was little chance that my sodden clothing would draw the attention of anyone foolish enough to be abroad in these mean streets. There was one hidden entrance to the house that began in a public toilet, which I used now as being the most appropriate. In the house I left a trail of ruined clothing down the hallway to the bath, where a steaming shower relaxed and restored me. I was dressed again in fresh garments and sipping a"reviving drink when Angelina let herself in by a more acceptable doorway. “A remarkable exit,” she said.

  “I hoped you would enjoy it.” I pointed. “You have left the door open by mistake, my sweet.” “No mistake, my love,” she answered. As an attacking herd of policemen thunder
ed through behind her. “Betrayed!” I shrieked, leaping to my feet. “Et tu. Brute?” “I’ll explain,” she said, coming towards me.

  “Mere words will not explain treachery!” I shouted as I dived around her towards the escape panel in the wall. She extended a delicate foot that caught my ankle and sent me sprawling headlong. Before I could rise again the hordes of policemen had fallen upon me.

  Chapter 2

  I’m good-but not that good. Sheer weight of numbers overwhelmed me. The first two attackers dropped unconscious, as did the next two. But someone had a armlock on me and as I was breaking this hold another policeman got me by the ankle. And so on. Roaring with rage, like a giant pulled down by ants, I fell beneath the onslaught. My last act was to free my right arm long enough to take the jeweled policeman’s badge from my pocket and flip it across the room to land at Angelina’s feet.

  “Here!” I ululated. “You deserve that. Not as a souvenir as I had planned, but as a decoration honoring your new and traitorous alliance with the police!” “How charming,” she said, picking it up, then stepping forward and swinging a sharp uppercut that caught me square on the jaw. “And that is your decoration for mistrusting your wife. Release the creature.” I dropped, stunned, as the restraining hands let go. Angelina throws a mean punch. When the whirling constellations had vanished, and vision returned, I saw her handing the badge back to the policeman at her side.

  “This is Captain Kretin,” she said, “who tried to speak to you earlier this evening. Are you ready to listen now?” I muttered something that even I couldn’t understand and stumbled to the nearest chair, rubbing my jaw and feeling immensely sorry for myself. The captain spoke.

  “As I have been explaining to your charming wife, Mr. diGriz, we merely want you to aid in an investigation. A man has been found, brutally murdered...” “I didn’t do it! I was out of town at the time! I want my lawyer...” “Jim, darling, listen to the nice policeman.” It was the way she said darling that sent ice water through my veins. I shut up. My Angelina can be deadly when provoked.

  “You misunderstand; no one is accusing you of the crime. We just need your aid in attempting to solve this hideous felony. This is the first murder we have had on Blodgett in a hundred and thirteen years, so we are kind of out of practice with this sort of thing.” The captain took out his notebook to refresh his memory, then carried on in a boring and monotonous voice. “Earlier this afternoon, at approximately thirteen hundred hours, there was a disturbance in the Zaytoun district of this city, not far from your place of residence. Witnesses reported three men running from the scene of th~ crime. The police were summoned and found the victim of the assault, who had been brutally stabbed a number of times. He died without regaining consciousness. His pockets were empty, his wallet missing, he had no identification of any kind on his person. However, during the subsequent post mortem examination a piece of paper was found in his mouth. This is the piece of paper.” He held out a wrinkled scrap, and I took it up gingerly.

  Scrawled on it were the words STAINLUS STEAL RATA.

  “Whoever wrote this doesn’t spell too well,” I muttered, brain still addled from Angelina’s tiny but deadly fist.

  “A remarkable observation,” she said, looking over my shoulder. Her tone of voice was not a sympathetic one. The policeman droned on.

  “It is our theory that the victim was attempting to contact you. If this is so, then the indications are that he put the paper into his mouth when he was attacked, in order to conceal its presence from his assailants. Here is his picture. We would like to ascertain the dead man’s identity.” He passed it over. I biinked my eyes into focus and stared at it. I was depressed. I have seen corpses before so that part didn’t bother. It was a good holograph, in three-dimensional color, clear and sharp. I turned it around and around-then handed it back.

  “That’s all very interesting,” I said. “But in all truth I have never seen this man before.” They didn’t want to believe me, but’ in the end they had no choice. I could see that they were sure that I was lying-even though I was telling them the absolute truth. They left after some more futile questions, carrying away three of their party who had not regained consciousness. I went to the bar to mix us some strong drinks, since it had turned out to be a very trying evening. But when I turned about with the glasses in my hands I found the point of a very sharp kitchen knife about one centimeter from my left eyeball.

  “Now what was that you said about my being a traitor?” Angelina asked in a warm, cold voice; honey over ice.

  “My love!” I gasped, stepping backwards. The knife moved with me, never changing its relative position. I felt the sweat break out on the nape of my neck as I began lying swiftly. “How could you be so heartless? So misunderstanding? When the police appeared I was sure they had captured you, forced you to lead them here against your will. So I called you a traitor so they would think you were not involved in whatever charge they were arresting me on. I did it but to protect you my dearest!” “Oh, Jim, I have been so cruel to you!” The knife clattered to the floor and she had her arms about me and I juggled fiercely not to spill the drinks down her back. Her arms were strong, her embrace warm, her kisses passionate. And I felt like a rat.

  “There, there,” I gasped after we came up for air. “Just a misunderstanding. Now let us drink our drinks and try to figure out just what the hell is going on around here.” “Were you really telling them the truth? You’ve never seen the dead man before?” “The truth and nothing but! I know that I have broken my long-standing rule of never telling the police anything that might aid them in the slightest. It can’t hurt, just this once. The man’s an absolute stranger.” “Then let us find out who he is.” She took the holograph from behind the seat of the sofa where she had concealed it. “I took this from the captain’s pocket as he left. There is no need to involve the local police in Special Corps matters. I’ll get on to the local agent at once.” She was right of course. This affair undoubtedly had ramifications that stretched far beyond this backward planet. Since identity records here were exhaustively complete it meant that the dead man had to be from off-planet. Which meant that the case now was the responsibility of the legendary, galaxy-wide, professional, superior and all-embracing police force known only as the Special Corps. Of which organization I can say, in all modesty, I am the most important member.

  “We’ll need more identification than this picture,” I said, handing it back to her. “Have the agent meet us here. I’ll be back within the hour with everything that he will need for the investigation.” I slipped a toolkit into my pocket before leaving. The city morgue was not too distant-which will give you a good idea of the kind of neighborhood this is-and I went through a back window and three locked doors without slowing down. I pick locks the way others pick their teeth.

  I slid out the drawer of the cooler and stared down at the corpse. The glimmering hope that he might be familiar in the frozen flesh vanished. The mystery remained. It took but seconds to scrape off fragments of skin, clip hair samplesand extract dirt from under the man’s nails. His clothes had been carefully filed and labeled by the police. I located them and took samples of these as well. And still more scrapings from his shoes. After this I went out the way that I had gotten in-and no one knew of either my arrival or departure. This minor operation had gone so smoothly that I returned to the safe house just as the Special Corps agent was letting himself in through the public convenience.

  “Nice weather today, Mr. diGriz,” he said, adjusting his clothing.

  “It’s always nice on Blodgett, Charley. That’s why I hate it. When is the next shipment going out to headquarters?” “A couple of hours. The weekly bag. I’m taking it myself.” “Perfect. I want you to take along these containers. Tell the lab to use every possible test on these samples. Here’s a picture of the late deceased that I took them from. Get me gene tests, pollen tests, blood groups, ethnotyping, everything and anything they can think of. I want to know who this man is-or
was. If he can’t be identified I want to know where he came from. He was looking for me-and I’m very interested in finding out why. “ The answer came in a surprisingly short time. Just three days later the front door bell rang and I looked into the scanner to see that the good and faithful Charley had returned. I let him in and reached out for the sealed case he was carrying. He pulled it away and chewed nervously at his lower lip. I growled deep in my throat and he cringed even more.

  “I got orders, Mr. diGriz. From Inskipp, the supreme,.

  our Commander-in-Chief.” “And what does that dear, sweet man have to say for himself?” “He says that you have forged some checks on the Corps secret account and he wants the seventy-five thousand credits back before he releases any more information to a depraved crook...” “You’re calling me a depraved crook!” He whinnied with fear as he scurried away from my grasping fingers.

  “No! You got me wrong! I didn’t say that-Inskipp did. I’m just quoting him like he told me to.” “The bearer of ill-tidings should be killed as well,” I snarled, my fingers still snapping in anger. I reached for him again but Angelina appeared suddenly and stepped between us. She held out a check to Charley.

  “Here is the money we borrowed from the account. A simple error in bookkeeping, wouldn’t you say?” “I sure would! I do the same thing myself sometimes.” He wiped the sweat from his brow and passed over the case. “If you will kindly give this to your husband I’ll be moving on. A busy day coming up, ha-ha.” “The door slammed behind his back and I took the case from Angelina, pretending that I did not see the angry flare of her nostrils.

  “This is it,” I said, pressing my thumb on the security latch. The case fell open, a screen lifted up and glowed with life. Inskipp’s depressing features looked out at me and I almost dropped the thing. Angelina must have seen my expression because she took the case from my hands and placed it on the end table. The imaged Inskipp glowered and snarled and shook a piece of paper in my direction.