The Stainless Steel Rat for President ssr-5 Read online

  “You’ve got to stop stealing this organization’s money, diGriz. It sets a bad example for the troops. You will have paid back your last embezzlement by now or you wouldn’t be listening to this message. It’s only because of our interest in ParaisoAqui that I am talking to you now.” “What is Paraiso-Aqui?” I said aloud.

  The image nodded sagely. “By now you are asking yourself what is Paraiso-Aqui. “ The smugness and self-assurance of the man. How easy it is to hate your boss. Particularly when he is one jump ahead of you. “Well I’ll tell you. It is the home world of the murdered man you asked the lab to track down. I want you to go there and have a look at this planet. Then come and report to me. If you will read the document enclosed hprp vnii will niiirklv [f"p whafr niir intprpt i” The image vanished and the screen went dark. I flipped the screen back into its well and took up the envelope that had been concealed beneath it.

  “This is very interesting,” I said, quickly flipping through the printed sheets. “In what way?” “Because not only don’t I know the man who was trying to see me-but I have never in my life heard of his home world before.” “Well... we are just going to have to do something about that, aren’t we?” “We certainly are!” I said, smiling in return. “We are just going to have to grit our teeth and obey Inskipp’s instructions. Like it or not we will have to visit this mysterious planet.” Angelina nodded and we just stood there grinning like fools. Knowing-without knowing how we knew-that the present period of peaceful boredom was at an end. The future was already looking brighter. I felt it in my bones. Something very unusual and highly interesting was about to begin.

  Chapter 3

  The travel brochure was heavy and warm to the touch, the copy on its cover glowing with self-importance. “Come to sunny perfection on the holiday world of Paraiso-Aqui,” I read aloud.

  Angelina, sitting at my side, was reading from a more sober and thinner volume, appropriately bound in black.

  “Paraiso-Aqui is a planet that was settled during the first galactic expansion and only recently rediscovered. It is noteworthy for having the most corrupt form of government in the galaxy.” “A slight difference of opinion between these two sources,” I said, rubbing my hands together with anticipatory glee.

  “Afternoon bouillon, sir?” the steward-robot asked, bowing and scraping before us.

  “Not even to bathe in, you mechanized toady,” I said. “Ill have a large Altairian panther juice on the rocks. Better make that two-” “One,” Angelina said firmly. “Bouillon for me.” “Yes, madam, delighted, perfect choice, wonderful,” the obsequious machine salivated, bowing and nodding and rubbing its hands together as it writhed away. I hated it. Just as much as I hated everything else about this space-going cruise ship, the Luxurious Paradise Planet Tour, as well as all of the repulsive and loathsomely garbed tourists who gathered in shrieking throngs throughout the lounge.

  “But we’re dressed the same way, my darling,” Angelina said. I must have spoken my thoughts aloud in the passion of the moment. And we were indeed dressed the same way. With a vengeance! I wore a short-sleeved shirt patterned with hideous purple and yellow blossoms. With shorts to match. Angelina wore exactly the same outfit, admittedly filling hers out in a far more attractive way. Also, in the latest holiday fashion, we had our hair dyed blonde and curled into 11 little green-tipped ringlets. I would have felt like an absolute fool were it not for the fact that all of our fellow travelers were garbed and coiffed in an equally repulsive fashion. A perfect disguise, yes, but what a price it exacted from my free soul! I opened the brochure to reveal a holopic of a deep blue sea under a light blue sky. The waves stirred and crashed onto the beach with a tiny crashing sound; a faint smell of sea brine wafted up from the page.

  “Happy natives laugh away their days in the sunshine amidst the gustatory glories of sun-ripened fruit and freshcaught fish. “ Angelina read quietly from her book, a dark counterpoint to mine. “ “The inhabitants live in a condition of near-slavery; poverty and disease is the norm. The rule of the dictators government is absolute.” “Thirty minutes to planetfall... planetfall in thirty minutes,” the loudspeakers whispered. The tourists stirred and squeaked with excitement. I threw my guidebook into the atomic oubliette where it exploded with a puff of smoke, thin cries echoing from its recorded pages.

  “We’ll just have to see for ourselves,” I said. Angelina handed me the Special Corps report and I nodded and sent it after the other. “If that is found in our luggage we are finished before we even begin.” The steward smarmed up and we took our drinks. Angelina smiled across her steaming cup at me. “Now, don’t be a spoilsport, Jim diGriz. This is not only a cover, but is a real holiday as well. You’re going to enjoy it if I have to throttle you into submission. Think of it as a second honeymoonno, afirst one! We never did have a proper one.” “Aren’t we a little late? After all the twins are almost twenty years old...” “Which makes me hideous, middle-aged and unattractive I suppose?” There was ice in her words and menace in her voice, I threw my drink aside-it ate a hole in the carpet where it fell-and dropped on my knees before her.

  “Angelina mine! Light of my life! More beautiful with each passing day!” Which was true enough; she was curved and warm and lovely, with more of her delicate pink skin out of the holiday outfit than in it. I seized her hands and kissed her fingers passionately and all of the tourists cheered while she smiled and nodded.

  “That’s more like it,” she said. “A little holiday from crime will do us both a world of good.” “Then we were on the ground and the lock was opened; warm air and sweet music rolled in from outside. I settled my camera around my neck, put on my sunglasses, took Angelina by the arm and joined the ecstatic throng. Their happiness was catching. Angelina caught it, smiling and laughing with the others, humming along with the catchy music. I was immune. I chortled and grimaced with the best of them, but inside it was the same old hot-tempered and cold-blooded diGriz who peeped out at the world.

  But it was hard to be a curmudgeon in a place like this. The spaceport was sited at the ocean’s edge; the salt tang in the air was delicious and sharp. The sun was as warm as advertised. Smiling native girls, bare-busted and buxom, greeting the tourists with wreaths of flowers and tiny bottles of some golden beverage. I pocketed the bottle and sniffed the flowers, pretending indifference to the mammalian magnificence on all sides, knowing full well that Angelina had her steely eyes on me. The crowd of voyagers moved forward so smoothly that within a few moments we were facing the official at passport control. He was as brown-skinned and smiling as the girls, but was wearing a shirt, no doubt to demonstrate his executive position.

  “Bonvenu al faraiso-Aqui,” he said, extending his hand. “Viaj pasportoj, mi petas.” “So you speak Esperanto on this planet,” I said, responding in the same language as I passed over my interstellar identity card. Forged of course.

  “Not everyone,” he said, still smiling, as he slipped the card into the machine before him. “Our language is the beautiful Espanol. But everyone you will meet will speak Esperanto, have no fear.” He looked at the machine’s screen while he talked, which of course revealed nothing except the blandest untrue information about me. When he returned the card he pointed to the gadget-covered camera about my neck.

  “That is indeed a fine photographic apparatus you have there.” “It should be-cost me more credits than you see in a year I bet, ho-ho.” “Ho-ho,”;he echoed, the smile not quite so sincere now. “May I look at this machine?” “Why? It’s just a camera.” “There are certain regulations about cameras, you see.” “Why? Got something to hide?” The smile was definitely pasted on now and his fingers were twitching. I smiled back-then passed over the camera. “Careful now, that’s a delicate machine.” He took it from me and the back instantly sprang open. As it had been rigged to do. Coils of film rolled out. I grabbed it back.

  “Now look what you’ve gone and done!” I wailed. “Spoiled all the film of my wife and our friends on the ship, and every
thing.” I struggled with the film and ignored his apologies-and walked pasthim with Angelina at my side. All according to plan. Our luggage was clean and we had no concealed devices about our persons. But the camera was a masterpiece of complicated gadgetry. It would take pictures-and do a number of other interesting things, all of which were strictly illegal. The day was starting well.

  “My goodness, look at that!” Angelina squealed, an exact imitation of the other squeals rising on all sides. “Are they dangerous?” “What are they?” “Please, ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention. “ A uniformed guide spoke to us through a voice amplifier. “My name is Jorge and I am your tourist representative. If you have any questions, please come to me. I will now answer the first question that I know you are all asking. These friendly creatures between the traces of the little wagons are known as caballos in our language. Their history is lost in the midst of time, but the story is told that they came with us from the legendary planet called Earth, or Dirt, the fabled home of mankind. They are our friends, harmless creatures who pull our wagons and till our fields. Unprotesting and happy, they will convey you to your hotels. We leave!” The cabaUos, and their rickety wagons, combined to provide one of the most uncomfortable modes of transportation I had ever had the misfortune to experience. And they weren’t caballos at all but hay-burning horses which I had encountered before during an unplanned trip through time to Earth, the very real and unlegendary home of all mankind. But I wasn’t mentioning that in the present company. Who, despite the discomfort of the journey, were laughing and calling out shrilly to each other. Even Angelina seemed to be enjoying herself. I felt like a skeleton at a wedding.

  “Whee,” I said, attempting to get into the spirit of the thing. I dug into my pocket and extracted the bottle of amber liquid the welcoming girl had given me. Undoubtedly some loathsome native concoction made from rotted fruit or old socks. I uncapped it and drained it. “Whee!” I said, and meant it this time. I called to Jorge who had the nerve to actually straddle and ride one of the horses. He thundered over at my command. I held up the bottle for his examination.

  “What is this stuff, pardner? Liquid sunshine? Best booze I have tasted since I was weaned.” “We are pleased that you like it. It is made from the fermented juice of the cana and is called ron.” “Well, baby, this ron stuff is something else again. Only thing wrong with it is that it comes in such small bottles.” “In all sizes,” he laughed, and dug into his saddle bag to extract another bottle of more reasonable dimension.

  “How can I ever thank you?” I enthused, snatching it from his grip.

  “Easily. It will appear on your bill.” He galloped away, “Not going to get polluted this early in the day, are you?” Angelina asked as I lowered the bottle from my lips and sighed.

  “Never, my sweet. Just getting in the old holiday mood. Join me?” “Later. I’m enjoying the scenery now.” It was indeed something to see. Our road wandered in easy loops down through green fields to the shore. The sand glistened cleanly in the sun and the blue ocean beckoned. Very nice. But where were the locals? Other than the drivers and Jorge there were none of them in sight. We were getting the tourist treatment all right. Fine, Jim, enjoy it for the moment. Don’t . be a spoilsport.

  “Why look there, papa,” one of my fellow tourists called out in ringing tones, “Aren’t they just too cute for words?” I looked there and didn’t think they were cute at all. If anything they looked kind of miserable despite the smiles directed our way. A group of men and women were working in the field beside the road. Cutting down the tall green plants with long and lethal-looking knives. The sun was hot, the work hard, and if they weren’t fatigued and drenched •with sweat they weren’t human. I raised the camera and clicked off some shots.

  Our driver turned about in his seat when he heard the buzz of the mechanism-so I photographed him as well. For a moment his fixed smile almost slipped, then his white teeth shone in a grin.

  “You must save your film for the beautiful gardens and the beautiful hotel,” he said.

  “Why? Is there anything wrong with taking pictures of the people working in the fields?” “No, of course not, but it is so uninteresting.” “Not to the people there. They looked tired. How many hours a day do they work?” •“I have no way of knowing those things.” “What do they get paid?” I was talking to his back. He shook the reins and did not answer me. I caught Angelina’s eye and winked. She nodded back.

  “I think I’ll try some of that ron now,” she said.

  The hotel was as luxurious as promised, our quarters expensively attractive. Our luggage was waiting-well-searched no doubt-and I left Angelina to do the unpacking. Since I was sure that all of my fellow tourists were male chauvinist pigsunlike me-1 was forced to fall into that role no matter how personally unattractive I found it.

  “See you around when you finish that, honey,” I said, then quickly slipped out the door before I could hear her forceful rejoinder.

  I pottered about the grounds, looked in on the bar, then stopping awhile by the swimming pool. I started to take a photograph of a few of the attractively nude female sunbathers, then desisted when a chill passed through me at the thought of Angelina’s reaction if she happened to run across this picture. Very possessive, my wife, and I loved it. I think. I wandered on and found the tourist shop.

  It took an effort not to shudder at the little ships made of gilded clamshells, the cutesy sailor caps lettered with inspiring messages such as KISS ME YOU MAD, PASSIONATE FOOL! and KEEP ON CLANKING! With averted eyes I passed them and went on to a section filled with souvenir cards and guide books. I was looking them over when a soft voice spoke in my ear.

  “May I help you, sir?” Lovely, young, limpid eyes, fall of figure, golden of skin, ruby-lipped and as exotic as a tiger .., “You certainly can!” I said hoarsely, then restrained my enthusiasm. Not with Angelina on the same planet! “I want... that is I want a guide book.” “We have many excellent ones. Anything in particular?” “Yes. A history of Paraiso-Aqui. Not a propaganda puff for tourists, but something real. Do you have anything like that?” She penetrated me with a low and smoky gaze-before turning to the shelves. When she turned back she had a thick volume in her hand that she extended to me.

  “I think you will find what you want in here,” she said before turning lithely and walking slowly away.

  To work, Jim! I told myself, pulling my eyeballs away from her fascinating form and fixing them on the book before me.

  A Social and Economic History of Paraiso-Aqui. Wonderful. Sounded like a best seller. I flipped through it and instantly found the piece of paper between its pages. There were block letters printed on it which I could read without removing it from its lair.

  BEWARE! DO NOT BE SEEN WITH THIS!

  A sudden shadow obscured the page; I closed the book and looked up. A heavyset local stood before me. Smiling insincerely.

  “I would like that book,” he said, extending his hand.

  I could see the word as clearly as if he had it painted on his forehead. COP. That was the word. Policeman. A familiar breed around the galaxy.

  “My goodness, what do you want my poor little book for?” I asked.

  “That is not your concern. Give.” “No. “ I stepped back, trembling with mock fear. He smiled coldly at this and reached out to take the book from my cowardly hands.

  My holiday was beeinnine at last!

  Chapter 4

  I let him get both hands on the book before I reached out and grabbed his rather prominent nose and gave it a strong tweak. For no reason other than sadism, I am forced to admit. He roared with rage, revealing a mouth full of crooked teeth badly in need of dental attention. Then his mouth closed, as did his eyes, as he dropped heavily to the floor. A strong finger jabbed firmly into the nerve ganglion of the solar plexus will produce instant unconsciousness. I turned away from the scene of this minor triumph to find one of the locals, in hotel staff uniform, standing behind me. Eyes like saucers, m
outh slightly agape.

  “He must have been very tired to fall asleep like that,” I said. “But this planet is so relaxing. I want to buy this book. “ He biinked down at the cover and found his voice. “I am sorry, but that is not one of our books.” Now it was my turn to blink. “It must be. I saw the other clerk take it from the shelf. “ “There is no other clerk. Just myself.” Realization penetrated. I shrugged and turned to leave. No clerk and no book. I had been set up, that was obvious. And as soon as sleeping beauty recovered the minions of the law would be howling on my tail. How nice of them to supply some diversions for me on this boring holiday world. Angelina was just slipping into a bathing suit when I returned, which instantly triggered my libido. After a brisk session of kissing and smooching she gently pushed me away.

  “We must go on holiday more often if it will bring out the healthy beast in you like that. What is the book?” “Nothing at all. I just picked it up. Let us go for a stroll on the beach so I can see if your swimsuit matches the sand.” I produced a roll of the eyes as I said this. She nodded slightly, showing she understood.

  “Wonderful. Let me find my sandals.” 18 We exited in silence and it wasn’t until we were walking at the water’s edge, far from any of the buildings, that she spoke.

  “Do you think the room is bugged?” “Don’t know. I just didn’t want to chance it when I opened this book.” I explained what had happened as I found the note and slipped it from between the pages. There were a few brief lines of writing inside it that we read in silence.

  The people of this planet desperately need your help. Aid us, we beg. Please walk on the beach alone at 2400 this night.