The Stainless Steel Rat Gets Drafted ssr-7 Read online

  A major in the space service caught my eye, prone on the floor and snoring. I knelt next to him and stretched my arm out next to his. Same length; his uniform should make a fine fit.

  “Washa?” a voice muttered from above and I realized that my bit of tailoring measurement had not gone unnoticed.

  • “The major is on duty later. I was sent to get him. Come cm major, walkies, sackies.”

  I struggled to lift the limp figure, aided very slightly by his friends. In the end I seized him under the arms and dragged him from the room. His departure was not noticed. Through a door and down a hall, to a storeroom filled to the ceiling with bottles of strong beverage. He would feel right at home here. With the door secured I took my time about stripping him and donning his uniform. Even his cap fitted well. I was a new man, rather officer.

  I left him dozing out of sight behind the drink. Straightened my tie. And sallied forth to save the world. Not for the first and, I had the feeling, not for the last time either. Chapter 24

  I looked around at the bottles, reached for one—then slapped my wrist.

  “No, Jimmy, not for you. The number of beers you had this evening will have to suffice. What you have to do will be better off done sober. ”

  What did I have to do? Simply get aboard one of the spacers, find the communications room, then locate the coordinates of this planet. Easy to say: a little difficult to do.

  At least the first part was easy enough to accomplish; locate the spacers. I had seen the floodlit shapes of three of them rising high above the tents earlier in the evening. The party was still crashing inside so this would be a good time to move through the camp. While plenty of drunks were still staggering about. I brushed some dust from my lapel, straightened the medals on my chest. Quite a collection. I turned the gaudiest one over and craned to read it. THE GLORIOUS UNIT AWARDS WEEKS WITHOUT VD IN TllЈ COMPANY. Wonderful. I assumed the rest of the lot had been given for equally valiant military endeavors. Time to go-

  It looked like events in the alcoholic bedlam were winding down for the night. A grill was being locked over the bar. Orderlies were loading unconscious forms onto stretch-

  ers, while the walking wounded were stumbling toward the exit. A brace of gray-haired colonels were leaning against each other and moving their feet up and down and not getting anyplace. I made the twosome a threesome and let them lean on me.

  “I am going your way, sirs. Perhaps I could accompany you?”

  “You shure a good buddy… buddy,” one of them breathed my way. The alcoholic content of my blood instantly shot up and I hiccuped. .

  We exited in this manner, weaved our way between the ambulances being loaded with officerial alcoholics, and staggered off into the night. In the direction of the spacers. I had not the slightest idea where the BOQ was—nor did I care. Nor did my drink-sodden companions. It took all their concentration, and what little conscious mind they had remaining, to simply put one foot in front of another.

  A squad ofMPs turned the corner in front of us, saw the gleam of light from the silver chickens on my companions’ shoulders. Then did the smartest about face to the rear march I had ever seen.

  My drunks were getting heavier and heavier and moving slower and slower as we stumbled through the tentlined street toward a brightly lit building at the end. It was large and permanent, undoubtedly part of the park facilities purloined from the natives. Even at this hour of the night, morning really, two armed guards stood at the entrance. All the rocks along the path were painted white tod the overly ornate sign above the door read BASE HEADQUARTERS—GEN. ZENNOR COMMANDING.

  This was definitely not the place for me. I maneuvered my charges onto the grass, next to the sign KEEP OFF OR GET SHOT. and let go. They dropped instantly and began snoring.

  “You, guards,” I called out. “One of you get the Officer of the Day. These colonels have been taken ill. Food poisoning I think.”

  I glared my best glare and not a muscle moved in their faces.

  “Yes, sir!” the sergeant shouted. “OD on the double!” He turned and hurried away and so did 1. Toward the charred remains of a sportsfield upon which the three spacers rested. All of them bristled with guns, brought here to impress the locals I imagined. Or to beat off the armed attacks that had never materialized. How depressed all the military must be that they couldn’t pull their shiny triggers and blow away the population. They had given a war—and nobody came. Terribly frustrating.

  I staggered as I walked so I would be recognized as an officer. Toward the extruded stairs that ran from the ground, up into the bowels of the nearest spacer. I was a space officer, I was just going to my ship. Or at least I thought I was until I saw that a guard stood on the lower step.

  “Halt and be recognized.”

  “Cagal off…” I muttered and pushed by him. A private lowest of the low.

  “Please, major, sir, your majesty. You can’t go in without I see your pass.”

  “Cagal off twice!” Witty, witty. “Don’ need no pass my own ship.”

  Past him and up the stairs. Brain beats brawn anytime. Step by step up toward the gaping spacelock. And the surly sergeant-major who stood and scowled there, firmly blocking the entrance.

  “This ain’t your ship, major. I know this ship’s company. You are on another ship. “

  I opened my mouth to argue, order, shout. Then saw the gunmetal blue jaw, the glowing red eyes, the hairline that blended into the eyebrows. Even the hairs curling from his broken nose looked like they were made of steel wool.

  “Not my ship?”

  “Not your ship.”

  “Gesh it’s not my ship…” I susurrated, turning and stumbling back down and away into the night. There was no way I was goine to get oast the sergeant-maior. Back toward the headquarters building and the rows of tents to come up with another plan.

  Hidden in the darkness under a large tree, I looked out at the spacers and could think of absolutely nothing I could do to get aboard one of them. The hour was late, the drunks now dispersed, the camp silent. Except for the roving bands of MPs. Whatever was to be done would have to wait until morning. It would be more dangerous in daylight but it had to be chanced. Perhaps if there was enough to-ing and fro-ing to the ships I might be able to join in. Right now I really should be thinking of my own safety. And some sleep, I yawned. The kicked-in ribs were hurting again. I sniveled a bit and really felt sorry for myself.

  In the stillness of the night the shouted commands and stamping of boots from HQ could clearly be heard. Guns were brought snappily to attention as a huddle of officers emerged and hurried down the path. Even at this distance I could recognize the repellent form of the leader. Zennor, with his underlings hurrying after. I drew deeper into the shadows: this was no place for me to be.

  Or was it? Despite my desire for rapid departure and continued survival I stood there and concentrated. And hated the idea that began to develop. The officers moved out across the charred sportsfield and passed the spacer I had tried to get into. At this moment the idea jelled and I loathed it even more because it just might work. With a great effort I forced down the screaming meemies that threatened to overwhelm me, unlocked my knees and lurched forward. Following the officers across the field.

  If any of them looked back I was sunk. But that was next to an impossibility. Their job in life was to bull straight ahead and walk over anything and everything that got in their way. They charged on and I charged after them, getting ever closer. Anyone watching would see a group of officers with one more of their kind hurrying to catch up.

  When they reached the steps of the freighter I was right behind them, watching them mount with dignity. Though still hurrying I did not hurry that fast anymore. With

  Ill precise timing I reached the guard at the foot of the stairs just as they vanished from sight above.

  “General,” I cried. “The message has come through. It is urgent!”

  I waved and called out again and brushed by the guard who did
the only thing he was supposed to do. He saluted. Up the stairs, much slower now, dragging one leg, old war wound you know. They were well out of sight as, breathlessly, I reached the open port. “The general, where is he?”

  “Captain’s quarters, sir,” the guard said.

  “That’s near the communications room on this type of ship?”

  “That’s right, major, same deck, number nine.” I hurried on to the nearest companionway and up it. Slower and slower. The ship was silent, empty, but I heard voices echoing down from above. When I reached the next deck I walked around to the companionway on the far side. Where I stopped and counted slowly to two hundred.

  “You are a brave but foolhardy devil, Jim,” I muttered and agreed strongly with myself. Press on.

  The large number nine on the bulkhead above slowed me to a crawl. I carefully poked my head above the deck and looked around. No one ,in sight, but voices were sounding from the passageway. The doors had numbers stenciled next to them. One of them had a name on it. COMMUNICATIONS ROOM.

  It’s now or never, Jim. Look around carefully. Nobody in sight. Take a deep breath. What is that loud hammering noise? Just your heart thudding with the usual panic at a time like this. Ignore it. Step up, step forward, to the door, seize the knob.

  Except the knob had been sawn off. Steel bars had been bolted to the door and welded to the frame. The communications room was sealed, shut, inaccessible, tight.

  As I was registering these facts and trying to make sense of them a voice spoke in my ear.

  “You, what are you doing there?”

  If my heart had thought it was thudding along merrily earlier it now tore loose from all its moorings and hurled itself up into my throat. I spun about, swallowed it, tried not to say Glugh! Grimaced and looked at the uniformed figure before. At the shoulders. I sneered.

  “I might ask the same thing of you, lieutenant. What are you doing here?”

  “This is my ship, major.”

  “Does that give you permission to speak to a superior officer in that manner?”

  “Sorry, sir, didn’t see the leaves, sir. But I saw you by the corn room and we had orders about it…”

  “You are absolutely correct. Sealed and no one near it at any time, correct?”

  “Correct.”

  I leaned my face close to his and scowled and watched with relief as his skin paled. It is hard to scowl and sneer your words at the same time, but I managed.

  “Then you will be pleased to know that my orders are to see that your orders are carried out to the letter. Now, where is General Zennor?”

  “Down there, major.”

  I spun on my heel and walked in the direction that I wished least to take. He would be watching me, I was sure of that. But I had no choice. If I simply tried to leave the ship he might start to think about my presence, get suspicious, sound the alarm. .If I went to the general all doubt would vanish.

  Of course I might vanish too. Nevertheless I walked swiftly toward the open door and the murmured voices, turned into it without hesitation.

  The officers at the end of the room were conferring over a map. Zennor had his back turned to me.

  I turned sharply right and saw the shelves of books against the bulkhead. Without hesitation I went to it, ran my finger down the volumes. I could not see their titles because of the sweat that Was dripping into my eyes. Seized one at random. Turned and started back toward the door. Let my eyes cross over the group of officers.

  Who were completely ignoring me. I walked slower, ears straining, but could hear nothing other than a murmured cagal or two, which was required of any military conversation.

  When I entered the corridor the lieutenant was just scuttling out of sight. I walked, neither fast nor slow, to the companionway and down it, deck by deck. Waiting for the alarm bells to go off. Though I probably wouldn’t have heard them through the pounding of blood in my ears. To the last deck and to the open port with the welcoming blackness of the night beyond.

  The guard leapt into the air and my heart followed him.

  And landed with his weapon at present arms. I threw him a sloppy salute in return and trotted down the steps to the ground. Another salute and I was walking across the burned grass and waiting for the shot in the back.

  It never came. I reached the shadows at the edge of the grounds, slipped into them and leaned against the bole of a tree. And sighed a sigh such as I had never sighed before. When I raised my hand to wipe the perspiration from my brqw I realized that I was still holding the book.

  Book? What book? Oh, the book I had lifted from the cabin about four hundred and twelve years earlier. When I held it up and squinted I could just make out the title in the illuminatiop of the distant lamps. Veterinary Practice in Robot Cavalry Units.

  It dropped from my limp fingers as my back slid slowly down the tree until I was sitting on the ground.

  Chapter 25

  I rested there in the darkness, let the sweat evaporate, tried not to think about veterinaries for robot horses—and pondered the significance of the sealed door on the communications room.

  For openers, it had not been sealed shut to keep me from getting inside. As much as I valued my own importance I was well aware that others, Zennor in particular, were not struck with fear by my presence. For example the combat-ready captain earlier this night. No, Zennor had the door sealed for his own reasons. What were they? Work backward from the obvious.

  The door on this ship was sealed, so probably all of the corn rooms on all the spacers had been sealed. It made no sense to shut just a single one. Why? To stop communication, obviously. Between who and whom? Or whom and who for that matter. It couldn’t be intended to stop planetary communication. That was still needed for the not-toosuCcessfill invasion. Groundbased radios would suffice for that. Spacer corn rooms sealed obviously meant that shipto-ship communication would cease. That was of no importance since the entire fleet had already landed.

  Which left only interstellar communication. Of course! The rush to leave, the secrecy about our destination. Zennor knew that the League Navy was after him, knew that they could only stop him if they knew where he was going. Or where this planet was. So the invasion was a one-way affair. A gamble buried into interstellar space. Not much of a gamble against an unarmed enemy. Zennor knew that the Navy had spies, all those detector vans had been evidence of that. He was convinced that I worked for the League and there might be other League agents in his army. So communication had been cut off until the invasion succeeded. After that there would be nothing that the Navy could do.

  This was good for the invasion—but very bad news for me. I had sent the radio message for help, which even now was limping steadily across interstellar space at the miserable speed of light. I had better forget about it. And forget as well about sending an FTL message for the time being. What I had to do now was think local. I might have to spend the rest of my life on this planet. If I did remain ‘here I didn’t want to do it with Zennor and his military goons breathing down my neck. Desertion, that was the name of the game. I had to get his army away from him. Wheh all the draftees had been dispersed about the land I would consider the next step. Which didn’t bear considering. Maybe I should open a distillery and supply free booze to his officers and noncoms? From what I had seen, with the correct encouragement, they all would be dead of cirrhosis within the year.

  I yawned and realized that my eyes were closed and I was half asleep.

  “Neveri” I groyned, climbing to my feet. “Fall asleep here, Jim my boy, and the chances are that you will wake up dead. To work! Next step is to get your chunk off this base, for your work here is done for the moment. Back to warmth and light and female companionship, away from solitary males, cursing, drinking, gambling and all the other military .pleasures. Away!”

  But was I ever tired. Instead of walking it would sure be nice to have a bit of transportation. Somewhere near HQ there had to be vehicles, since officers rarely walked. Nor were these vehicles t
oo hard to find. lust behind the HO

  building there was a motorpool, unguarded apparently. And there, looming darkly behind the staff cars, the shape of a command car. One I was-very familiar with. I drifted over and climbed into it. No guards needed at this motorpool because all the ignition keys had been taken away. I smiled into the darkness. This crate could be hotwired faster than a key could be fumbled into the lock. I bent, pulled, twisted. Sparks sizzled and the fuel cell hissed into life. Boldly on with the headlights, into gear and away.

  Away to where? Not the gates surely. During the daytime it might be possible to drive out behind a convoy. But right now the gates would be closed and I would have to produce a pass or some sound reason for nighttime maneuvers. I could think of no sound reason. I drove on slowly, past one of the gates and along a perimeter road that circled the camp, just inside the barbed wire fence. For security patrols undoubtedly. I drove along it until a grove of trees came between me and the lights of the camp. I angled the headlights toward the fence, locked the gears in neutral and climbed down to look at the barrier.

  It was a ten-strand barbed wire fence. There were surely alarms attached if it were breached, but I could see no sign of disturbed earth, tripwires or circuitry that might lead to mines. Just bashing through it might be a chance worth taking. It didn’t matter if the alarm were raised. By the time the sluggish troops reached the site I would be long gone. I raced the engine, put it in the lowest gear, floored the accelerator and ground forward.

  The wire fence screeched and tore. There was a fine show of crackling sparks—1 thought it might be electrified, but the combat car was shielded—and then it all tore away and I was through. Kicking up through the gears and tearing away through the empty streets. Pulling the wheel and screeching around a plaza with alarge statue of Mark Forer gazing down serenely from a plinth, and out the broad avenue on the far side. I recognized this street, I had walked this way before when we had first escaped.