The Stainless Steel Rat Sings the Blues Read online

  "We did it, Floyd, we did it. I will explain everything as we walk. In great detail. But as you can see we are free, in possession of this artifact. Mission accomplished. Now-lead on, faithful Fido, since you have memorized the entrance-and-exit path. But go slowly, for it really has been one of those days."

  I was hungry and thirsty. But even more thirsty for-what? Revenge? No, revenge was a dead end. If not vengeance-what then?

  The time had come for a little evening up, a little sorting out of the record. I had been taken in completely by the poisonous con job. So before the last i was dotted, before the last alien artifact laid to rest, I was going to see that a little justice got done.

  On my terms.

  CHAPTER 27

  "Carry this for a bit, will you Floyd," I said, passing over the replacement temporooter. We were leaving the last lit tunnel behind and would depend now on Aida to remember the way. "I'm a little on the tired side."

  "I don't wonder. But you have to understand-my patience has just run out. So work hard and see if you can dig up enough energy to tell me just what happened. I am now completely confused. I remember that I wasted the Killerbot with that gun you now have tucked into your belt, the one Fido brought to me. Then I jumped through the door and told you to get down so I could blast the Commander as well as anyone else who was looking for trouble."

  "That's just the way I remember it."

  Fido barked and turned a corner from one dark tunnel into another even darker one. Floyd sounded worried.

  "I remember pulling the trigger-then suddenly you are holding the gun, not me, and right next to me there are two creatures, people, robots, something like that. I blink and look into the lab and everyone is standing like they are frozen. Nothing moves-but nothing. Then when I look back I see that the two metal things have vanished. So I am beginning to feel like I am going around the mental bend. Therefore I would appreciate it if you would kindly, and quickly, tell me what happened."

  "I wish I knew. I saw the same things you did. I don't know what happened."

  "But you must know-you were talking to them!"

  "Was I? I don't remember. Everything is still kind of fuzzy."

  "Jim-don't do this to me. You have to remember! And what were you shouting at the Admiral about? Something about poison and another Admiral."

  "That's easy enough to answer. Certain individuals blackmailed me into this operation by telling me I had been poisoned and that I had thirty days to live if I didn't get the antidote. There was no poison-therefore no antidote. So all the time we have been rushing about I have been thinking about the poison and counting the days before I curled up my toes and keeled over."

  He was silent a moment, then he spoke.

  "That's pretty heavy. You are sure about that?"

  "I am. And I am also terminally tired so can we please put this conversation off for a bit. I would just like to concentrate on putting one foot in front of another for awhile."

  Like it or not Floyd had to settle for that for the moment. Because I needed some time for deep cogitation, to dream up some sort of reasonable story for him-as well as the rest of the troops. Stumbling with fatigue I was grateful that we made our way through the tunnels without meeting any opposition. Though I had the gun ready just in case. When Fido actuated the escape hatch and it opened to reveal the blue sky-I sighed with relief, Gave the gun back to Floyd and used my remaining strength to crawl out onto the ground. Dropped with a groan and leaned back against a polpettone tree.

  "You have the gun, Floyd," I said. "So pass me back that ancient artifact if you please. Aida-is there any transportation on the way?"

  "There should be. I sent out your position as soon as you were aboveground and I could get a triangulation. Help is on the way."

  As indeed it was-for a black spot in the sky grew quickly into the launch from the good old Remorseless. It landed with a shuddering thud, which bit of flying I recognized, so I was not surprised when Captain Tremearne exited through the open door.

  "Congratulations," he said, and stuck out his hand. "You did it, Jim."

  "Thanks," I said, as he gave my hand a good crushing handshake. "And don't think that it was easy."

  "Never! I was there-remember. Can I relieve you of that thing?"

  "No!" I shouted-and was shocked to hear the fine edge of hysteria, or incipient madness, to my voice. Well why not! "I'll hand it over-along with a detailed explanation of just what it is-at the meeting."

  "What meeting?"

  "The meeting that you are now going to arrange at the Pentagon. I'll want all The Stainless Steel Rats there. A last reunion so to speak. Has Madonette gone back to her imprisoning office yet?"

  "She was supposed to. But she would not leave the planet until you came back."

  "Faithful to the end! So in addition to all the Rats I would like a few other friends present."

  "Friends?" He looked baffled. "Like who?"

  "Well that macho fat thug Svinjar for one. King of the Machmen. Then you can invite Iron John and his opposite number, Mata. Ask yourself to come along as well. It will make an interesting gathering."

  "Interesting-yes'. But impossible. None of the exiles on this prison planet is permitted inside the Pentagon."

  "Really? I thought that you were the guy that was going to see that Liokukae was cleaned up and cleaned out?"

  "Yes-but-"

  "Now is the time, Captain. For at this meeting I am not only going to turn over the alien artifact and reveal its secret- but I am going to tell everyone just how the situation here is going to end."

  "How?"

  "You're invited to the meeting. You'll hear then."

  "This will not be easy to arrange."

  "Yes it will." I pointed to Floyd. "Ask him about the strange things that happened when we were back there with the Survivalists. Admiral Steengo will verify his reports. There is a lot more to be cleaned up on this planet than you ever realized. Get your arguments together, consult your superiors, look after this." I passed over the artifacted artifact. "And don't wake me up until it has been all arranged."

  I climbed wearily into the launch. Pushed up the armrests on the back row of seats. Stretched out and fell instantly to sleep.

  The next thing I knew Floyd was shaking me gently by the arm. "We're back in the Pentagon. The meeting is on just like you said. I have breakfast and some clean clothes waiting for you. They'll be ready when you are."

  The shower blasted out warm water and heated air and I stayed under it far too long. But it did wonders not only for my disposition but for my sore muscles as well. I did not hurry. They had arranged the meeting-on my terms-only because they had no choice. They would have informed me to get stuffed if they could. But the labtechs would have found nothing when they examined the artifact. Floyd would have told his confused story about what had happened when he had jumped in with his gun ready. Very confusing. In the end they would have been forced to the reluctant conclusion that the only way they could ever find out what had happened in the underground laboratory was by having me tell them. After which, knowing their record for veracity, they probably felt that they could do whatever they wanted with me.

  "Well, Jim," I said to my smiling and sleek image in the mirror, as I carefully combed my hair, "let's give them what they want."

  Floyd was my guide. Stamping in step with me along the corridors and into the conference room.

  "Hi, guys!" I said in cheery greeting to the far-from-friendly faces.

  Only Madonette returned my smile, waved a tentative hand. Admiral Steengo was stern, Tremearne uncommunicative-as was Mata. Floyd was grim-faced-but winked when I glanced his way. Iron John and Svinjar were chained to their chairs or they would have killed me instantly. As it was they strained forward, eyes bulging with homicidal rage. I was most pleased to see that my hairy red friend had a bandaged skull and an arm in a sling. The aged artifact lay on the table before them and I went and sat on the edge of the table next to it.

 
"Tell us about the device," Admiral Steengo said in a reasonable and friendly voice.

  "Not quite yet, Admiral. I assume that your techs could make nothing of it?"

  "They say it is over a million years old. That's all."

  "There's more to it than that. But first a few introductions. The bruised guy with red fur is Iron John. Leader of a cult which you are now going to abolish. You can ship him off for treatment at an establishment for the criminally insane. Along with the fat man next to him. I have them here because I wanted you to see just what your policies of benign neglect had forced on the human beings out there on garbage world."

  I smiled and waited for the cursing and the spitting to die down, then nodded pleasantly at the unwholesome twosome.

  "Would anyone here like to live in the kind of societies that you are subjecting the helpless people on Liokukae to? A committee must be appointed now. Plans drawn up to free the women and children from their bondage. You will find that Mata will be able to advise you on that. I think the various males on the planet will have to be interviewed separately. I'm sure that a number of them like their world the way it is. They can have it. The others deserve something better. But all that is in the future. First let us look at the past. I'm sure that the others on my team will grieve the passing of The Stainless Steel Rats. We have played our last gig, sung our last song. And we did pretty well for a bunch of amateurs. One juvenile criminal. An admiral, an unarmed combat expert, and a-what are you really, Madonette? And don't embarrass both of us by talking about the imaginary office job again. That's not your style. Everyone else has come clean-so how about you?"

  She drew herself up, looked grim-then smiled. "You deserve the truth, Jim. My office really is out there. But it is in the Galaksia Universitato where I teach in the department of archeology. The university has so much money involved in this operation that they insisted on a representative."

  "I'm glad it was you, Professor. Been fun working with you." I blew her a kiss, which she snatched out of the air and blew back.

  "I didn't know about this!" Admiral Steengo said, more than miffed. "I am beginning to find out that there are levels of secrecy and duplicity in this so-called artifact retrieval operation that no one seems to know anything about. The more I discover about it-the more it stinks. And more and more it appears to bear the stamp of Stinky Benbow."

  "That nickname is classified and will be stricken from the records," a loathsomely familiar voice grated from the direction of the suddenly opened door. "Fun and games are over. Sit down diGriz. I am in charge now."

  "Well as I live and breathe!" I turned, filled with great pleasure, to face the ever-scowling countenance of Admiral Benbow. "This is almost too good to be true. The old poisoner himself-in person."

  "You will be silent. That is an order."

  Steengo was shocked. "Benbow, you bastard-have you been going over my head with this project? Are there other things about it that even I don't know?"

  "Plenty. But your need to know is plenty far down the knowing chain of command. So, like this crook-shut up."

  "No more orders, Benbow," I broke in. Reluctantly since there is nothing I enjoy more than a brace of admirals slanging each other off. But this was a time for work, not fun. "Now tell the truth, just for a change. It was your idea to give me the fake thirty-day poison, wasn't it?"

  "Of course. I know how to deal with criminals. No trust, just fear. And complete control." The lizard lips bent into a frigid smile. "I will show you how it works."

  He snapped his fingers and an aide hurried in with a familiar package. He held it up and the serpentine smile broadened. "You didn't really think that I would let you get away with this, did you?"

  It was the package with the three million credits that I had mailed to Professor Van Diver for safekeeping. My fee for putting my life in danger, money well earned. Now in the hands of the enemy. Not only wasn't I bothered by seeing it-I was overjoyed.

  "How kind of you, dear Admiral," I chortled. "The circle is complete, the ring closed. The play ended. The alien artifact retrieved. The last song sung. Thank you, thank you."

  "Don't sound so cheery, diGriz-because you are in the deep cagal. Although you will not be executed for robbing the Mint you will get a well-deserved prison sentence for that crime. This fee, which you extorted from the university, will be returned to them. Along with that artifact . . ."

  "Oh-so we have remembered it at last. Don't you want to know what it is, what it does?"

  "No. Not my problem. Let the university worry about that. I was against this entire operation from the first. Now it is over and life will go on the way it was."

  "Including life on this despicable planet?"

  "Of course. We are not going to let the do-gooders interfere with the sound administration of the law."

  "Admiral-I do admire you," I said, standing and turning to the intent audience. "Hear that, Iron John? You can go back to your old job at the bottom of the pond as soon as your bones heal. Svinjar, more killing and general swinery on your part. There will be the return of the rule of law and justice-on Admiral Benbow's terms."

  "Arrest this man," Benbow ordered, and two armed guards entered and marched towards me.

  "I'll go quietly," I said. Turned and touched the alien artifact as I had been instructed to. "But I'll go alone."

  It was so quiet you could heard a pin drop. But, of course, a pin could not drop.

  Nothing could move, was moving. Would move for quite a while.

  Except me, of course. Strolling over, cheerfully whistling "Nothing's Too Bad for the Enemy," relieving the Admiral of my hard-earned fee. Smiling benignly into his glaring, frozen face. Due to stay that way for quite awhile. I turned and waved at my statue-like audience.

  "The best part was working with The Stainless Steel Rats. Thanks guys. Thanks as well to you, Captain Tremearne. In fact-not only thank you-but could you give me a little help?"

  I walked over and touched his arm as I said this, enclosing him in the stasis-resistant field that enveloped me.

  "Help you do what?" He looked around at the motionless scene, turned back to me. "What's going on here?"

  "What you see is what you get. No one is hurt, but no one is going to move for some time. Temporal stasis. When they come out of it they will never know that they have been in it."

  "This is what happened to Floyd?"

  "Exactly."

  "Exactly what?"

  "Time travelers. The alien artifact is not alien at all-but a human construct from the far future, sent back and lost in time. I promised the time travelers not to tell anybody. I'll make this single exception since I need your help."

  "Doing what?"

  "Getting both of us out of here so we can start the job of cleaning up this putrid planet. Here is what we have to do. Admiral Benbow has just arrived, as you saw, which means there is an interstellar spacer up there now in orbit about this planet. You and I will grab some transportation and get up to it. Once there you will use your rank, guile and forceful manner to see that we get aboard and far away from Liokukae. Then, when we get back to civilization, we will generate plenty of publicity about the evils men do here on this planet. It will be a scandal and heads will roll."

  "Mine will be the first. Along with a court-martial, possible flaying and certainly life imprisonment."

  "It shouldn't be that bad. If we get the forces of light on our side, why then the forces of darkness won't be able to lay a finger on you."

  "It will take time . . ."

  "Captain-that's the one thing we got plenty of! A good six months of it. That's how long this stasis will last. They won't know it, will not even realize a single second has passed. But, oh, will there be consternation among them when they discover how things have changed while they have been dozing! When I leave here the stasis will seal itself, impenetrable and impermeable. By the time it lifts the reform campaign will have succeeded and this prison planet will be nothing but a bad memory."

&n
bsp; "And I will be cashiered, out of a job, will have lost my pension-the works."

  "And many a human being will be alive and happy who would have been miserable or dead. Besides, the military is no place for a groom man. And with a million credits in the bank you can buy lawyers, live the good life, forget your past."

  "What million?"

  "The bribe that I am going to pay into a numbered account for you to make all of this worth your while."

  He shook his fist. "You are a crook, diGriz! Do you think that I would stoop to your criminal, crooked level?"

  "No. But you might be the administrator of the Save Liokukae Fund which has been set up by an anonymous benefactor."

  He scowled, opened his mouth to protest. Stopped. Burst out laughing.

  "Jim-you are something else again! What the hell-I'll do it. But on my terms, understand?"

  "Understood. Just tell me where to mail the check."

  "All right. Now let's get you a uniform while I forge some shipping orders. I have the feeling that I am going to enjoy being a civilian."

  "You will, you will. Shall we go?"

  We went. Marching in step in a most military manner. Marching into the future, into a better, brighter future.

  The blues had been sung. A page turned, a chapter ended. Tremearne would do a good job of sorting out this repellent world. I would do equally well as I slipped away between the interstices of society.

  In six months I would be far from here, my trail cold, my bank account filled, my life more interesting. Once rested and restored-it would indeed be time for The Stainless Steel Rat to ride again!