The Stainless Steel Rat Joins the Circus ssr-11 Read online

  A black and silent overalls dropped down into the clearing: the door opened.

  “After you, Mrs. diGriz. Or, might I be so bold, Angelina?”

  “Buster,” she said, swaying ever so gracefully up the stairs, “for what you are paying my husband you can call me anything you want.”

  Chapter 2

  So far Chaise had kept his word. The promised money had been deposited to my account in the Banco di NAPSLO. Despite the fact that I was sure that this cache of money was unknown to anyone. Chaise must really know about banks and banking. This could not be ignored. I made a mental note to find a new and more secure bank now that Chaise knew about this one. And an even newer and more secure way of transferring all my funds from my present bank. I was sure that if Chaise knew how to put credits into my account he might very well be able to siphon them out as well.

  I shuddered when I turned on my computer. There was so much information about Kaia’s banks and bank accounts jammed into the machine’s memory that bits and bytes were falling out of the memory banks; pixels were dropping off the screen.

  “You will need lots more computer memory than you have now,” Angelina said, frowning at the electronic debris.

  “I feel that I need lots more computer as well. Since we will be accessing far more data than this. Don’t I recall our good son James telling me far more about super computers he was designing than I really cared to know?”

  “I’m surprised that you remember that much. You fell sound asleep.”

  “Food and drink no doubt responsible for that.”

  “I doubt it. You mumbled something about concepts the mind cannot stomach as you dozed off.”

  “I apologize! I’ll eat humble pie! But, yes, you are right. I clearly remember passing through a computer-enthusiast phase in my mouth. But those days are long gone. All I want to know now about computer hardware now is where the switch is that turns the thing on.”

  “James will take care of our computer problems,” she said with the firm knowledge of our son’s talent that only a mother could have.

  But she was right. If it had not been for the hard work of James, and his twin brother Believer, our recent adventures in parallel-galaxy trotting could very well have ended in disaster. When Angelina had gone to Heaven it had been my turn to go to Hell. Or something very much like it. It took us a long time to sort out our time and space difficulties with a multi-charactered individual who was causing immense problems in a number of places. We could never have been able to do it without the boys’ help. But, unlike the failures that we occasionally experience when we clash with the evils of the universe, this time all had ended very well indeed. In fact the whole affair had been consummated in matrimonial bliss. The twins had both been in love with the same woman, Sybil, the top agent in the Special Corps. As intelligent as she was beautiful, she had made the fatal decision that had turned the possibility of sibling rivalry into the enduring knot of marriage. Double marriage that is.

  One of the more interesting side effects of Professor Coypu’s universe-hopping machine was the doubling of one of its passage portals. That is if one person went through it, he or she came back doubled. Two people that really were the same person, or had been the same person. A bit confusing to understand, but very effective if two men were in love with the same woman-and she loved them both as well. Firm of mind, Sybil had passed through the portal and Sybil and Sybill had turned. They had tossed a coin to see who got the extra 1. This had all ended in a very festive marriage indeed. We were most happy to see Sybil joyously married to James, while Sybill was happily ensconced in Bolivar’s arms. It had been a very neat solution to what could have been a rather serious problem.

  “We must talk to James,” Angelina said. “Have him sort this computer problem out.”

  “We must indeed,” I said, reaching for the phone.

  It was not pure chance that had brought us to this dreary planet. When James had discovered that Sybil shared his passion for nanotechnology, they had moved here to utilize all of the planet’s technological know-how. We had reports, from time to time, about their progress. Everything seemed to be working as planned and the money, instead of flowing out steadily, had begun to trickle in.

  So it seemed almost natural to consider Usti nad Labam. when we were looking for a site for our money-raising operation.

  “It would be quite logical,” Angelina had said, “to visit the newlyweds at the same time as we begin our new financial operation. There seems to be a good deal of money in circulation on this planet.”

  “And little else,” I had said, flipping through the sales brochure churned out by the planet’s tourist board. “A very dull planet if you read between the lines. Holiday camps where gambling is not allowed. At least drink isn’t banned-but I am sure that they are thinking about it.”

  “Jim diGriz-you are beginning to sound like an old grouch. We are going there to visit our son and daughter-in-law. And we will make a lot of money. And leave if it is as boring as you think and blast off to a planet of pleasure.”

  So we had gone. And it was nowhere near as bad as I had thought. Since gambling was illegal, there proved to be a good bit of clandestine gambling. I had studied magic since I was a stripling and had been a pretty fair cardician, as the professionals call it. That is someone who specializes in card manipulation. Very handy on stage-and equally useful in playing poker. When the stock market became boring I joined some payday card games and always managed to win more than I lost.

  Angelina had greatly enjoyed, as did I, visiting James and his wife. This was always an excuse for a party and my gambling proceeds turned into joyful celebrations at the best restaurants.

  As good as this was, the rest of this world left a lot to be desired. The planet must have evolved from a supernova because the ground was rich in heavy metals for doping computer chips. Not to mention vast fields of the purest silicon for making the chips themselves. The computer manufacturers had thronged to Silicon Gulch. Followed by the software nerds and all the other people who lived off technological industry.

  We had come for a quick visit, then stayed on when we discovered that the local and badly organized stock exchange could be a cash cow. Perhaps we had stayed too long. Kaia’s arrival had raised our morale—and the promise that it would lead to our exodus from this none too attractive world.

  “I’m going to call them now,” Angelina said, and called out the number to our telephone.

  “I am connecting you now,” the phone said. It was as good as its word and a moment later I could hear the phone ringing at the other end.

  “Nanotechtrics, how may I help you? “ the computer generated smarmy voice said.

  “I want to talk to the boss,” I called out.

  “Whom shall I tell her is calling?”

  “Good girl,” Angelina said, always an enthusiast for female equality.

  “Not her, him, James, his father…”

  “Grrrk, “ the computer said as it was interrupted. “Good to hear from you, Dad. Long time no talk. “

  “Too long. All work and no play. But work first. I need a supercomputer for some research we are undertaking, one that’s not as big as a house and needs an electric cable as thick as your arm to supply the juice.”

  “You have just described our Nanotechtric-68X. I’ll get one to you at once.”

  “Everlasting thanks,” I said and disconnected. The doorannunciator bleeped.

  “I’ll get it,” Angelina said, then-“James, what a pleasant surprise, come in.”

  When my son says at once he really means it. “When you phoned I was in my chopper-and I had a 68X with me. I was just a hop away.”

  He brought in a battered leather suitcase, set it down and then it was kisses and handshakes all around. I eyed the suitcase suspiciously.

  “Planning a trip?” I asked.

  “Our latest model, the 68X.” He swung it up onto the table and pressed the latch. A screen flipped up and the keyboard popped ou
t. I looked at it dubiously and he laughed. “This is just about our first working model. We breadboarded it to fit into this old suitcase. Streamlining and whizbang decor will all come later. For field testing this can’t be beat.” He patted it affectionately. “It works in a massively parallel mode. It uses distributive resources that reach out to memory spread across high-speed networks, which makes its speed not only unmeasurable-but even hard to just estimate. Its high-end massively parallel systems are really in the several teraflop range.”

  My eyes crossed: he had lost me. “Teraflop? Fall to earth?”

  “Not quite. One teraflop equals exactly one trillion floatingpoint calculations per second. So you can see that this little baby is really in the big league. One thing that helps as well is the fact that all the memory is nanobased.

  We have invented and patented a molecular nanomemory where rows of molecules are flipped one way or the other to record data. I will demonstrate. Do you have a database I can copy?”

  “Far too much in one of them. In the computer, filed under KAIZI.”

  He hummed to himself as he connected the two computers and hit a button. There was a quick crackling sound and the hairs on the back of my neck lifted up. James peered at the screen and smiled.

  “Done,” he said. “And less than one-hundredth of one percent of the memory in this computer has been used. Now what do you want done with it?”

  I told him about our encounter in the forest and Kaia’s problems. He nodded understandingly and his fingers skipped over the keys. He smiled when I mentioned the daily transfer to my bank account, shook his head when I mentioned how easily my employer had found this same account.

  “We will have to do something about that. Find a secure place for your hardearned income.” He leaned back and cracked his knuckles while the screen before him flared and crackled. “I’ve started a search program, really a lot of search programs running at the same time in a neural network. But– we sure have a lot of material to search for. What I have done is I have tapped into the interstellar web. We are now recording every detail of every occurrence of any kind, in any city where a robbery took place. All of the details of activity before and after the time that one of the banks was robbed. Then comparisons of all the data will be made. Such as, let us say, a spacer with the same name left every one of these cities exactly one day after each of the robberies …”

  “We have them! Find that spacer and we find the thieves!”

  “Easier said than done. And that was just an imaginary example. I think the real tracks are going be a lot harder to find. But let us get all the facts first, then try to relate them. I’ll leave the program running since it will take some time to produce any results. In the meantime why don’t you open a bottle of champers so we can celebrate your new job-and the first real test of my 68X.”

  Even as he spoke Angelina brought a tray with bottle and glasses and we drank the toast. A moment later Sybil arrived, which made the parry all the merrier. But James was still working while he sipped.

  “Dad,” he asked, “what do you know about banks?”

  “That is where the money is!” I said happily.

  “I mean more than that. What do you know about fiduciary bonds, roll-over percentages, PEPS, short-term interest-bearing investments, treasury bills and bank certificates of deposit?”

  “Happily nothing. It is the money in the hand that counts.”

  “Agreed. But since we have been running our own business I have dipped my toe into the golden water of finance and find it most lucrative. But I am a mere amateur. We will need someone with expert knowledge of the banking system if we stand any chance at all of finding the perpetrators of this crime.”

  “I think that Bolivar is the right man for the job,” Sybil said, for she had been listening to us when Angelina had gone for a fresh bottle of bubbly. My eyebrows raised.

  “But he is out among the stars,” I reminded her. “Indulging in his profound enthusiasm for lunar geology. And giving him all aid in his projects is Sybill who, I understand, shares his enthusiasm for life on the frontier.”

  “She does, but a little of it goes a long way. We have stayed in close touch and I can sense her feelings, since they are the same as mine. She has not said so in that many words, but living in a space suit for days on end does not do much for one’s hairdo. Not to mention personal hygiene. We have been talking of alternative possibilities that might necessitate a little break from the joys of airlessness and free fall. She, as I do, of course, has a keen interest in art history, archaeology, and, interestingly enough, the banking profession. Between working spells as an agent for the Special Corps I have always indulged myself in a fiduciary hobby. Some investing here, a little bit of takeover bidding and asset stripping there. Just for fun, as you might imagine. But my bank balance is a pretty solid one. Such a coincidence, your new interest in the banking profession.”

  “I have always been interested,” I said humbly. She laughed.

  “I don’t have quite the same interest. I mean, after all, if no one made deposits how could you make all of those withdrawals that you specialize in?”

  “Point made-I stand corrected.”

  “Perhaps it is more than a coincidence, and coming events cast their shadow before them. But the very last time that Sybill and I talked it was about how much she misses the old give and take of the stock exchange. And-dare I say it? – a life that at times is more attractive than lunar exploration. If only for a short while. I am sure that if Bolivar thought about it, that he would enjoy the joys of banking as well. And I know that Sybill would be more than happy to help him with her specialized knowledge.”

  “But are you sure that he will like it?” I asked.

  “Of course he will,” Sybil and Angelina said at the same time. I am sure that Sybill was in agreement as well. Yes, of course he would. At three to one odds he didn’t stand a chance otherwise.

  “I will arrange it,” Sybil said. “There is a branch of the Banco Cuerpo Especial on a very hospitable planet called Elysium. It is a little known fact that this bank is owned, run and operated by the Special Corps. If we are all in agreement we could shake the dust of Usti nad Labam from our shoes and go there. It will be a real family reunion. The computer search will continue and I will help Sybill with Bolivar’s new career.”

  “Poor man,” James said, then raised his glass to shield himself from the sizzling glances aimed his way.

  When we finally contacted Bolivar and Sybill with a conference telepresence call he looked gloomier and gloomier at his unavoidable fate. He could only wriggle on the hook.

  “I’m getting real close to a breakthrough on gravimetric tectonics and photon interaction.”

  “Sounds fascinating,” Angelina said. “You must tell us all about it when we get together on Elysium.”

  “It won’t take too long because you should pick up everything you need to know about banking in a few weeks,” Sybill said, obviously feeling some pity for her husband. “And don’t forget that banks are where the money is.”

  “True,” he said, looking more cheerful. “I will need a good bit more financing to finish my research.” And cheerfuller still. “It’s been a long time since we were all together. Some fun in the sun!”

  “And food that’s not dehydrated,” Sybill said, adding a grace note of enthusiasm. “We will have a ball.”

  And thus did my first day of honest employment end. When I awoke next morning I discovered that my Angelina had been up long before me, travel plans had been made, tickets booked, bags packed, computer fully charged, the cab at the door. I checked to see that Kaia’s daily deposit had been made-and we were on our way.

  We had a good time, I must admit a very good time. Sybil and Sybill were so happy to be reunited that we all basked in the warmth of their emotion. Bolivar actually began to enjoy his work in the bank; he was assistant manager by now and still climbing the ladder of success, looking forward to applying his new knowledge for our mutu
al benefit. And Elysium really was a pleasure planet and we enjoyed partaking thereof. It had a delightful climate at the equator, where the bank was located, and we, of course, settled in most easily. Countless small islands were set in a warm sea. I snorkeled and scuba dived happily among the varied life-forms, getting back the muscle tone that slipped away so easily these days.

  But I still worked hard at my new employment every day. That is I checked to see if my daily wage had been deposited. And patted the computer, which bleeped and kept beavering away. The search and computations would have been long finished except that there was difficulty getting data from distant planets.

  “Don’t let it worry you,” James said. “I have search programs working in all the site cities. Enjoy yourself-and I’ll let you know as soon as the gongs ring.”

  I needed no encouragement. Although I enjoyed the scuba diving, even more gratifying was the rugged continent near Elysium’s northern pole. Here were jagged mountains and endless snow. A skier’s paradise. My muscle tone actually hummed with life now. Angelina and I enjoyed every moment of our extended holiday.

  Yet still best of all was waking in the morning and checking my balance in the bank. Which was growing at the rate of four million a day. Bolivar had arranged for each day’s deposit to be transferred, by a theoretically untraceable route, to a distant and highly secret bank. But all holidays must end. We hung up our skies and hopped on the first flight when Bolivar sent word that the search was finally coming up with the data that we needed. We joined together in the morning for a friendly family meal.

  “Now this is the kind of work I like,” I said, going out onto the balcony away from the other diners and lighting an after-breakfast cigar. Just as a bell rang in the computer, a red light blinked on-and a puff of smoke came out of a vent in the top.

  James looked up from his plate when he heard the ping and put his silverware down. “Results at last. It sure took long enough.”